her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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