I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
