Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
