My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
