One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
