I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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