Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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