I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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