I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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