I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
