Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
