she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
