What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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