she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
