I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
