i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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