When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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