I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
