a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
