Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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