It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
