I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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