yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
