I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
