Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
