Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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