I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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