Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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