He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
