Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
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