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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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