I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
