Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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