Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
