you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
