I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
