just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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