we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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