i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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