You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
