Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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