Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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