I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
