Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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