And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
