My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
