I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
