it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
