Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
