Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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