i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
